Amidst all the chaos that is my life I found the time to pop round to Bezzie Su's for a cuppa and a grouch. Somehow we got to talking about old journal pages and it got me thinking.
I fell into art journaling by accident, in fact I never knew I was an art journaler till the label stuck lol. I just pratted around, playing with paints and inks and generally having a blast. Adding magazine images here and a few words there.
And then my world fell apart.
After losing my Dad 13 yrs ago I lost my Mum very unexpectedly 4yrs ago. One day she was there, the next she was gone leaving me with a gaping hole where my heart should have been. I nearly fell apart and the only thing that kept me going was my journals. Simple and raw, full of emotion and torment. I had never been one for getting things out but By God I soon learnt. It was like opening the floodgates. Words just poured from my heart and my very inner core and they didn't seem to have an end.
But, oh the relief that came after page and page of, nothing really, just me. My art journaling today is nothing like it was back then and funnily enough I miss it. I journaled for me, no one else. I didn't care what I wrote, what it looked like, whether it was any good or not. I just did it...and I miss that.
My life is so different now, so busy, so chaotic, so demanding and so fun, and I wouldn't change it for anything, but I miss the old me as well.
This blog post from 2009 explains a lot of my journey.
I blogged frequently, with a passion, from the heart, forgetting that people would read it and might judge me, lol. There wasn't really that many people reading it so I wasn't too bothered. I am not sure if I could be as open now as I was then.
But my blog became a record, a journal of my journey and it helped me to see how I had changed, how far I had come in facing my issues and it helped me to see that I wasn't alone.
I'm an odd one
I have ADHD
I have rapid cycling bi-polar
I am extremely strong minded
I have a very low attention span
I have OCD
I have put on 60 lbs
I have impostor syndrome
I can be a hermit
I can be manic
I have self esteem issues
I am full on
I have a very addictive type personality
I'm too independent
I am a recovering bulimic
I am a survivor,
I AM ME!!!
5 yrs ago no one would have known any of this, no one scratched beneath the surface, and to be honest I would have been mortified if you had known just one of these things about me.
But now loads of you know most of them. They emerged through my journaling, my blogging, my growing, my becoming me.
Has it damaged me??? Has it heck. I feel more at peace with myself than ever. I am full of flaws, as are so many of you and we need to celebrate our individuality and our uniqueness instead of hiding it.
One of my favourite quotes to describe this metamorphosis is by Anais Nin
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
Looking back over my blog, there is plenty of art, records of teaching, where I am , where I have been, but I have realised there is not a lot of ME anymore. I miss that. I miss looking back, so maybe it's time to get back to the heart of me now and again lol.
Here's some of those very early pages for you to see.
So do I press publish or delete...??