I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
Edward Everett Hale
I came across this quote earlier this evening and it has really made me think. It is 3.30 in the morning and I just feel as though this is something I need to say. You never know I might have deleted it before you all get the chance to see it. We,ll see.
Those of you who are new to my blog twitterings maybe get the impression that I have always been this way. But up until my Mum dying very few of you knew anything about me at all. You all knew I was a single Mum with 4 kids and had a bit of a hard life. Apart from that, not a lot else. Now you might as well be living alongside me , you all know so much, lol. So why the change..??
I have spent most of my life, for various reasons, not feeling good enough, not feeling wanted and feeling that I didn't really belong anywhere. I have always had issues with my self esteem, and I am extremely shy and unconfident ( contrary to what you all think)..!! I have perfected my smiley, cheery, loud act over the years to help me cope and to prevent people knowing the real me. Mum's death threw all this out the frikkin window. We have always had a very challenging relationship with each other, and it is only in the last five years that we really became able to know, understand, accept and love each other. Much of this stems from the fact she didn't know a lot about me and I never let the disguise drop. Now it is too late for her to get to know the real me, but it isn't too late for me to get to know the real me, if you understand what I mean. It is a very painful introduction and things have surfaced that I have kept hidden for most of my life, but I feel as though a weight is lifting. I always felt odd, different and very alone and couldn't understand aspects of my personality. Why did I do the things I did, why do I feel the need to press the self destruct button.? Why was there no one else like me.? I now find that there is, there are,people out there who are like me, who have been through the things I have been through. Although I wouldn't wish some of the things I,ve been through on anyone, it is extremely comforting to know I am not on my own. I am finally "normal" ,well as normal as I ever could be, lmao. I have found that many of the things I do, or have done, are "normal" for someone who has been through the same as me. I think this is why I am starting to be more vocal about things, you cant change what you cant confront, and by confronting my issues, I hope I am helping others realise they are not alone. Just knowing someone else is going or has gone through it helps enormously.
Now some of you might think, just cos it helps her, how does she know it would help others..?? I know because of the tons of private emails I receive day in day out, thanking me for putting into words what they have been unable to express, and pouring their heart out.It has astounded me the number of responses I get. Many of the things I talk about can only be recognised by fellow sufferers, and so I don't feel as though I am damaging myself by revealing them. It helps others a lot more than it damages me, and it is an important part of my healing process as well. I do get some comments from people who feel I shouldn't write anything personal on my blog as I am "supposed" to be a professional in the public eye. What a load of bollocks, there is nothing professional about me. I fell into this industry by accident, I loved creating and everything I learnt was an achievement for me. When I realised I had a flair for educating then new doors opened. I am extremely passionate about what I do and teach, and that is all I want to do. I do not want to be a celebrity, I do not want to be an artist, I do not want to be "professional". I just want to always feel this passion inside, to see the light in others eyes when they realise that, yes, they can do it as well. I have never set myself out to be the best there is, I just do what I love. I am well aware that I am not for some, and that to many I am an acquired taste, but you cant win en all, can you. Each to their own, I have spent 46 years being bothered about what people think, and desperately needing confirmations of acceptance. I now, finally realise what a crock of shit that is. Nobody can please everyone and there aint no point trying. I am now trying to live by this quote...
Be who you are and say what you want.
Cos those who mind don't matter,
And those that matter don't mind.
I am not trying to be everything to everyone, I am trying to find out who I am. It is a long slow painful journey and I do try to lighten it with humour, and I feel I am getting there. But without the blog, my life saving art journaling, my fantastic kids, and my so, so , soooooo wonderful friends, I would probably have given up trying and just gone back to my faithful disguise...!!!
And you know what, if you don't like what I write then don't frikkin read it. Its my freedom of speech to write this crap and its your prerogative to just bloody ignore it. So, on that, we are in agreement, lol.
I need to share with you this comment from the lovely Janey B who is not going through too great a time herself. I am not afraid to admit that it had me in tears when I read it, but I will treasure the words.
First - The kids are gorgeous and so is their work!
Second - Think I saw your mojo at the bottom of Maisie's little shopping cart (she must have borrowed it for a mo!)!
Third - The class today was fabarooni - a fab project, really lovely ladies, and lots of chat filled with raw honesty, and encouragement too!
Fourth -" Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do". H Jackson Brown Jnr
Fifth - You were right with what you said today about you being meant to do this. Your honesty Dyan is an inspiration to me (and no doubt loads of other women) and I cannot thank you enough for the fact that you are brave enough to share on such a wide spectrum of traumas, what so many of us have been afraid to voice out loud! We are such a mixed up bunch, all with our own baggage, but you are leading the way and one by one we are all following!
If I had a glass of Pinot Grigio in my right hand right now I'd be raising it to you!
Heres to being brave and true to ourselves xx